How to Decide if a Dating and Relationship Coach Is the Right Fit for You

You have trouble connecting with people romantically, struggle to progress past the first two dates, or always choose the wrong person — and you've now decided that you can't figure this out on your own. You want to work with a dating coach.

Before choosing a coach, it's a good idea to do a few different consultations. Coaches usually offer a complimentary consultation of about thirty minutes, which is a great opportunity for you (and them!) to learn about each other and decide if you'd work well together. Here are a few considerations to keep in mind when deciding whether a coach is a good fit.

1. They take the time to learn about your issue in the consultation

Some coaches will spend the consultation telling the potential client all about how they got started and how they work with clients. While it's great for a coach to share a bit about themselves, and useful to know how they work, the consultation is an opportunity for you to see how they would approach a session. You can think of the consultation as a mini session.

If the coach isn't taking the time to listen to your issues, that's a good indicator they wouldn't do that in your actual sessions either, meaning they might jump to assumptions about what they think your issue is and try to solve it. That approach is less likely to produce long-term results, because you, the client, are the ultimate expert on yourself — not the coach.

2. You notice yourself sharing in great detail

If you notice yourself sharing in great detail — perhaps offering detailed examples of an incident where you were triggered — and you find yourself wanting to keep talking, that's usually a sign that your coach has built rapport with you. This may come from the coach leaning in, nodding along, and maintaining steady eye contact. These are all ways the coach shows you that they're with you and that they're validating your experience. It's natural that when someone makes us feel seen and heard, we feel safe with them, and we want to keep talking to them.

When you give vague, general answers and keep them short, it's usually a sign that the coach hasn't been able to successfully build rapport with you. That said, it may also be an indicator of your own discomfort sharing vulnerably about yourself, which is something for you to work on.

3. They don't offer you solutions

This may sound counterintuitive, but a skilled coach knows that handing you solutions isn't what actually brings you to transformation. You might have a model in your head that you're paying the coach to tell you what you need to do to solve the issue you've been struggling with for a while. If you could figure it out on your own, you wouldn't need to pay for coaching.

But what this approach overlooks is that there's something even more valuable than solutions that a skilled coach can offer you: an outlet to arrive at the solutions yourself. A good coach knows that you are the real expert on yourself — you know your own past, you know your own feelings — and works with your wisdom to arrive at insights.

4. They don't promise timelines

A really good coach knows that growth is not linear and does not follow a prescribed timeline. They'll talk in detail about the areas you want to address and the aspects they'll explore with you, but they won't offer you a timeline for when you can expect to achieve your goals.

Trusting your gut

You'll usually know in your gut when a coach has built rapport with you, because you'll naturally feel comfortable with them and notice yourself sharing more than you normally would with someone you just met. Where you need to be more careful is with coaches who offer you solutions and timelines for when you can expect to achieve your goals.

While it can be tempting to work with the kind of coach who makes you feel you're getting good value for money, the coach who cuts deep to the root of your issues will offer you a long-term, sustainable transformation rather than quick solutions, and that is arguably worth far more than their fee.